Tuesday 3/10 I have coffee with Diane Black (founder of Harvesters Reaching The Nations (HRTN) where I’m supposed to work in the Sudan). She tells me that earlier in the week the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) came all the way down into the village where HRTN works and killed five of the family members of a native African who works for them there. The LRA has never been this close to the village in the past. The people are scared and either leaving the village at night to go sleep in the main town or have completely moved out of their homes and into the main town. HRTN is shutting down their generators early every night so as to draw less attention to themselves and the 150 children who reside there. She tells me that so far they have been safe; and, although it is still my choice, the HRTN board would strongly recommend against me coming to Sudan in March…I’m crushed and disappointed. I’m confused why the Lord would call me to this place I originally didn’t even want to go to, and then ask me not to go at the last moment? I’m worried for the children in the orphanage; will they be taken to become child soldiers? Or killed?

I come home to CNN to find that Northern Sudan has given orders that all 12 major aid agencies residing in the Sudan must leave. Some workers will stay and be kidnapped the following day. The workers of the aid agencies drawn faces appear on my TV, they want to know how these people will get the water and the resources they need to survive…there is no answer to their question. Only a standing order to evacuate.

I pray: Lord, please make Your will clear to me. I fear that perhaps I manufacture Your voice in my life. Did I hear you wrong? Did you never mean for me to go to the Sudan? Do I dream up schemes and Your voice and call them Your will? Am I an idiot for believing all of this? Because I feel like one and I’m not sure what You’re doing. I feel like I’ve wasted all this time and energy planning a trip that three months ago I was afraid to take – so You cast out my fear and worked out all the details…for what? To stop the whole thing just as I’m about to leave? Somehow, please show me, your doubting child, very clearly if you want me in the Sudan or You want me to let it go. My only hope is in You.

The last words I feel the Lord speak to my heart as I fall asleep are these: Do you feel like what I asked of Abraham was a waste of time simply because Isaac was never sacrificed on the altar? I asked Abraham to put Me above all, even his most beloved son, and he did. I asked you to put Me above all else – the pain you may cause your family and those you love, your logic, your need to control and understand everything, your need to have a reason and a goal in the all the things you do. I asked you to go simply because I said go and you were willing. I do not waste time.

Diane Black emailed me later in the week essentially stating that the situation was worsening such that it was no longer my choice whether or not I would come to serve with them in Sudan. So I will not be visiting the Sudan this year after all.

I am slowly learning to be at peace and accept the Lord’s plan over my own. It is a daily task – one I often think I am accomplishing until I realize I’m not accomplishing it at all. I believe that the Lord God, Jesus Christ is sovereign over all – that He knew everyday of my life (including this one) when I was knit together in my mother’s womb, that His love for me is perfect and can therefore drive out all my fear of failure, wasted time and everything else that lies ahead.

I will still be traveling to Botswana to serve with BIPAI for five weeks on March 29. Please pray for me that I have eyes that see and ears that hear so that I may join the Lord where He is already at work and hear His will for me. Please pray for HRTN and the people of Sudan.

Timshel,
Jenny